The SBIX FAQ — Only the Funny Stuff

As expected, Phish released a FAQ for the upcoming Super Ball festival.  It contained a lot of silly questions and answers, also expected.  If you want to just read the humorous parts, look below.  That way you don’t need to get caught up in all the serious stuff that you should probably know.

SUPER BALL IX FUNNY FAQ EXCERPTS:

May I make a campfire or use a stove to cook?
These grills are allowed.

Can we park wherever we want and move our cars once we are in?
My god, it’s like we have to go over this every single festival…Please understand that when anyone disregards the parking and camping instructions it can create a domino effect that will ultimately impact everyone’s comfort and safety. The bad kind of domino effect, not the good kind.

What is the age limit for camping?
All campers must be 18 or older unless accompanied by an adult or legal guardian.

What if I’m 17 but I look 19?
No.

What if I’m 24 but I look 16?
Fine.

I get 22 a lot. Like, “that dude doesn’t look a day over 22.”

You still there?
Yes. Waiting for a question.

Can we make our own beer? I’ve got a corny keg with a picnic tap, and I’m brewing up a sweet batch of maple bourbon porter.
I have no idea what you’re saying.

How big is each individual camp site?
Approx. 15 feet x 30 feet.

So, square feet then? I can go ahead and call it 450 square feet?
Sure.

Some of that stuff was in alphabetical order, but not all of it. And what’s up with the capitalization? Why is “Tents” capitalized, but not “tent stakes”?
Give us a break, man. It’s like three in the morning.

No, actually I’m reading this around noon.
I mean when we wrote it, it was– Never mind. Next question.

Can I set up a Banana Stand? (Arrested Development reference)
There’s always money in the Banana Stand, but no unlicensed vending will be allowed at the festival.

Is “Glen Close Camping” named for the actress Glenn Close?
Who?

Glenn Close, from “Fatal Attraction.”
Oh, I see. You thought, because — Yeah, I can totally see how you thought that. But no, “Glen Close Camping” is named for the actress Geena Davis.

Will wagons be allowed in the concert venue area?
No. Except for this one.

It’s Fourth of July Weekend. Can we bring FIREWORKS!??
No.

Okay, what about Fireworks?
Still no. Trust us, you’ll get enough fireworks from the amazing guitar fretwork of the versatile Trent Anastasio.

Some bloggers have been posting festival maps. Are any of them correct?
No. Surprise: someone is wrong on the Internet.

Will my cell phone work out there?
We haven’t experienced any issues on site. Verizon is better than AT&T out here (surprise).

So how am I supposed to live-tweet from the festival? I have 214 followers that are counting on me.
They will all be at the festival, too.

Will there be payphones?
Ha! Oh, you were serious. No.

Earlier you called it a “cyber-cafe.”
A lot of people still use the word “cyber.” I heard it like twice yesterday.

Will Super Ball be webcast? #couchtour
Nope, sorry. #conchtour

Can I get back any items confiscated either at the campground or concert field entrance?
There will be no check-in area for disallowed items. All patrons will be subject to a search by security personnel. Please be advised that the security company, facility, promoters and performers will not be responsible for any items confiscated during search procedures. So leave this at home.

What are the chances of sleet?
Small.

What are the chances of Meat?
Large.

Is a wook born a wook, or do they become one over time?
That is a great, great question.

Can I upgrade my ticket to “Glen Close Camping” after I’ve already purchased a GA ticket?
Unfortunately, all ticket purchased are final. No refunds, no exchanges. That’s the way Geena Davis wanted it.

Can I bring a neutron-ion beam to destroy the sun?
You may, but chances are it will be confiscated.

Can I bring….the 1968 Mets?
You want to know if you can bring the 1968 Mets?

I just want to know where the line is. Can I bring my super balls?
If you’re talking about these, then sure, as long as you use them safely.

I wasn’t talking about those.

I was talking about my other super–
Okay.

Is there anything else I should know?
State capitals are important. The different food groups.